I met Vivaan on 24 January at around 4:30 pm. He is the guy with whom I want to make an emotional attachment. To be honest, I wanted to risk my feelings again. There, near the gate, he was on his bike in a blue shirt. On seeing him, I felt awkward, uneasy but still I pretended to be okay. I was nervous for no apparent reason. I led him to my room. An awkward silence was present. I wanted it to end. He was hungry. He wanted to go out. I was not in a mood to go outside. I wanted to talk. I asked him to stay inside.I told him that I tried to make rajma but failed. He smiled and didn’t say anything. None of us were able to start a proper conversation. He asked me to get ready.
“Should I go outside and wait?” He asked.
“No, I shall change in the kitchen,” I said.
I collected my clothes and closed the door of the kitchen. Later, we went to a local chaat shop. I was sitting behind him on his bike. Though I was feeling uneasy still I was enjoying it. I wanted to go for a long, long ride. He confessed that Manvi, his ex-girlfriend liked the bike and, therefore, he bought it. I smiled and complimented her choice.
We ate gol gappas. He was getting excited like a kid while ordering it. He liked it. I thought that only girls were crazy for it. The way he was eating it brought a smile on my lips. He was behaving in a sweet, childish manner. We packed our aloo tikki and bhel puri and returned to my room. I bought in two plates.
“Why do we need two plates? One plate is sufficient.” He said.
I tried to argue but later agreed. He was carefully breaking the tikkis into pieces.We were having a small chit chat while eating it.
“Do you want to eat the bhel puri now?” I asked.
“I can’t eat more.” He said.
He said that such food didn’t suit him much. After eating the aloo tikki, we were confused again. I wasn’t confident enough to start a conversation. And he argued that why should he always have to take the first step. We tried to exchange few sentences. Stupid attempt!
He decided to go. I wanted to stop him but I forced myself to keep quiet.
“Is it necessary to go now?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s late. It will take time for me to reach my home.” He said.
It was a stupid excuse. Both of us knew that it will take only around thirty minutes to reach his room.
“Go if it’s that necessary.”
I was secretly hoping that he will stay. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to get closer to him, emotionally. He left.
After around five minutes, he called up.
“I wanted to stay,” He said.
” Why didn’t you stay then? Where are you?” I asked.
“I am in a nearby shop. I am buying cigarettes.” He said.
“Come back,” I said
The call ended and I opened the door. He entered and sat on the bed. He lit his cigarette.
“How do you feel while smoking?” I asked.
“You should give a try,” He said.
“You should gain a bit of experience else you will regret later that you never enjoyed your life.”
He was still smoking. I asked him to pass the cigarette. I took it. I kept it back again. I was hesitating. I thought it will degrade my morals. The truth is smoking isn’t related to your character. The idea of smoking the same cigarette seemed normal for him. We were sharing it. But for me, it was the first step to getting closer to him. I put the cigarette on my lips. The same cigarettes were on his lips few seconds ago. He asked me to relax and inhale. The cigarettes were placed down again. He smiled.
“I didn’t enjoy it,” I said.
“That’s because you aren’t depressed.” He retorted.
An Awkward silence prevailed again. He was lost again. He looked damn serious while thinking. Few eye contacts were there. I downcasted my gaze. I asked him to lit the cigarette again. I told him that I wanted to smoke. I tried to create a lighter atmosphere. I smoked. He smiled. Along with him, I smiled.
He opened the first page of my copy. The Fb id of a senior was written. He drew an arrow below and wrote: “Ignore him.”
“Awkward manners and silence are the properties of a stupid.” He continued writing.
“Properties of stupid are available in Vivaan.” I wrote.
“But now Ishiqa took over.”
“I never was.”
“I want to know more about you.” I wrote.
“Don’t know if you would get much time.”
“I have time for you.”
“Wish I could have too.”
“Only you call me that.They call me impossible and uncertain.”
“That doesn’t make you impossible and uncertain.”
The page was full. I flipped the page. But he wasn’t in a mood to continue the game. We were doing silly stuff then. We were comparing the size of our palm and fingers. He tangled my fingers within his. The gaps between the fingers were filled. He said that it helped in building an emotional attachment. I was feeling great. He said the connection can’t be felt with everyone. Was he trying to say that I was special for him? Awkward silence again.
He checked his watch. He said he was getting late. He moved towards the door. I was behind him.
He stopped in the kitchen and he turned around. He opened his arms to hug me.
“I know you wanted to hug me,” I said.
During a chat, he once said that he wants to hug me tightly. We hugged.
I was expecting it to be a short hug but I was damn wrong. I was melting into his arms. The warmth of his body, the support of his arms felt so good. I was holding him lightly even though I wanted to apply the same force. I wasn’t sure what should I do. I thought it would be wrong to hold him tightly. His hold got tightened.
I was losing control. My body was relaxing. I wanted him to support me. It felt like I was in a zero gravity region and he was the only support. I closed my eyes. I was enjoying it.
“You are smelling like a smoker. Did you smoke?” He teased.
Later he was naming all the stuff that he could see in the kitchen. A smile crept on my lips. I wanted the hug to last forever. It was so damn comforting.
“It’s hot here,” I complained. We moved to my room, still hugging.
He pinned my hands at my back. We were close. I lowered my head. He leaned on the wall and was planting kisses on my cheeks and neck. My eyes were still closed. I was getting senseless. Such was the effect!
He removed my top off my shoulder a bit. He bit my shoulder lightly.
“I am not that delicate. Even if you bite with force, I won’t shout.” I said.
“Fine, then.” He said.
His teeth were digging into my skin strongly.
“Vivaan.” A small urgency filled my voice.
“Still your eyes are closed. So shy.” He said. I nodded.
” I can’t stand.’ I said. My knees were getting weak in front of him.
I laid on the bed. He supported my hand.
“You will sleep now.” He said pulling my cheeks. He laid beside me. I placed my head on his shoulder. And we were lying there for few minutes. We were holding hands. Time was still flying. He had to go now. There was no other option. He went. I closed the door.
I smiled. I felt complete. Then after an hour, I cried. Thinking what was that? Were we emotionally close? Or just a physical closeness was built. I was confused. I wanted to ask him. But my lips were sealed. I just hoped that one day this complicated relationship will evolve into love.